i do not know anymore

Hi, to whoever that's reading this, I am back with another post that is probably going to be the longest and most boring one yet. I have just finished watching Dear John and just had the sudden urge to open up the laptop and to start typing. I have no idea what this post is going to be about and I am just going to type whatever that comes to my mind.

I am currently overwhelmed with emotions now and for some reason, with tears forming and rolling down my face but I have no idea why. Are these tears of sadness? stress? happiness...? or just for no apparent reason, I dont know and I guess I wont figure it out. I guess, this is my only platform for me to express and sort out my thoughts, without actually having to filter or process the things you have to say verbally, and I guess by blogging, it is my only way to speak to myself?

Lately, I've come to the realisation that as much as words take actions in order to validate them, words in itself holds a very strong power that has the ability to bring someone up to cloud 9 but at the same time, down right into the pits. It's really almost like magic, you don't see it physically, you can't feel it directly, but it holds great power to play and fuck up your mind and emotions, that's what it is.

Last year wasn't necessarily my best year in terms of everything in general but I was at my "happiest" and I've learnt a great amount of things that had happened last year. On a note, why not let's just take time to reflect on each the months. Let's start from January.

January: Was full of mistakes and regrets and things that I wish that I can turn back to change but in life, what's done can never be undone, I was at the lowest point of my life then for that year and I know, what a great start to 2018 am I right?

February: it's funny, the month started off just like January and everything was still a mess, up until I met C. It wasn't necessarily the best place to meet someone but I did and I fell into love all over again, something that people warned and told me not to, something that I told myself that it doesn't exist because love to me back then was just like a word without meaning.

March: I got to know C more, and though things happened along the way, there were downs that can't be erased or undone, with confusion in thoughts and anger in my emotions back then, I got into a relationship again. Thinking back, it was probably one of my best decisions that I've made in that year haha.

April: Had to spend quite a significant amount of time away from C due to being overseas so I guess the most memorable part of it was when we went to Suntec City together and had photos taken there.

May: Went to Sentosa with C and had tons of photos taken there. Celebrated my friend's birthday together and things were still kinda crazy back then because of me constantly struggling with my thoughts and fighting my anxiety attacks that were out of control.

June: June came with a rough start as there were still drama happening which affected me a fair bit, accumulating and adding on to what I was already struggling with then. Drinking problems were still persisting and physical hurt to myself was still being done but on a happy note to this month, it was the first time ever someone had brought me to a nice place for a date and to celebrate our monthsary.

July: There was finally an improvement in my drinking issues and I can safely say that July was one of the most eventful months for 2018. Went to Changi Airport just to walk around with C, spent most of the time watching World Cup with C and my Dad, and even had my virgin experience at River Safari Park even though the weather was hot and humid

August: Was a month of me searching for part time jobs because of some plans I had to fulfill and went to DTF for a date with C and my dad finding me for lunch because he knew that I just finished an interview for my job. Visited JB together with C too.

September: Had my virgin experience at Gardens by The Bay for Mid Autumn Festival's decorations and had tons of photos taken then, which now looking back, puts a smile on my face. I then had my first insurance test at the end of the month, and though I studied last min, I was so grateful to have C by my side while I studied and also grateful because I managed to pass it.

October: Celebrated my birthday with my mum at home, with my friends and with C. Received my first ever expensive gift though it wasn't needed but still am thankful and touched. Went to JB for a staycay and kept extending because I didn't want to come back to reality in SG, spending my time there with C was a time of peace and for some reason, felt as if there weren't anything to worry or to think about. To put it in a cliche way, it was as if time was only for us alone.

November: Went for IKON's concert with my mum and was glad to get to spend time with her because the last concert we went to was probably years ago. Had the craziest idea of going to MBS and all the way to Changi Airport till sunrise with C haha though we were exhausted by then, it was time well spent. Also visited Timbre+ for the first time in my life as well as going to MBS to take photos with the Christmas tree because decorations were all already up. OH and not to mention, also dined at Beauty in A Pot for the first time which was totally impromptu but my heart's thankful. OH OH, also bought Ace @ 7 weeks old on the 29th of November which was a crazy and impromptu decision AND Alpha on the 30th of November. They are ENORMOUS now as compared to when we first got them which is funny, I guess fat life is a happy life hahaha. November was hands down my most eventful month for the year and I don't mind reliving it again.

December: Time flew by and it was already end of the year. Had all my main examinations this month and I was so so proud of myself for attending every single one be it whether I was ready for the exam or not. People who know me will know that I always ALWAYS choose to defer my examinations because I was either lazy or I just didn't have the motivation in wanting to complete it. Surprised my mum for her birthday together with C and though most of the time she was busy taking photos of herself, I know that she was happy. which makes me happy too. Visited Gardens by The Bay again on our 9th month but this time for Christmas decorations. Attended my family's gathering for Christmas together with C which I am again, so thankful that we attended together as well as attending C's family side for Christmas which made me happy because Christmas is a season of giving and in all honesty, it has a been a long while for me having celebrate festive seasons with loved and close ones. It's almost as if I have a fresh new feeling of having a family again.

After typing all these, I realized that there are many things that I might have missed out and many other underlying details and issues that happened throughout the year, but those are just the ones that I know will be etched in my memory and able to smile and go "Oh yes I remember this" whenever I look back at my photos. Now that all the happy stuffs have been said, I guess it's time for me to type out whatever I've been feeling or thinking for the past few weeks or months.

Honestly, with the current state that I am in, I do not have a definite word to describe how I really am. I am contented but not to the full extent. I am stressed because I do not know what the future holds. I am disappointed in myself because I feel like there are things that I could've done or handled better. I am angry because of unnecessary arguments and disagreements happening that could've easily not been done. I am confused because I do not know what to do. I am depressed and drowning in self-pity because even till now, I constantly feel that I am never and I will never ever be good enough for someone or in whatever I do.

i guess a small part of the reason might be that even though my parents love me unconditionally no matter what, whatever that happened between them makes me question if love does really exist and does it really mean THE END once that "feeling" of love is gone? is it really true that people leaves eventually and that there is NOT ONE person that will stick by you when you're at your lowest or your worst or when you're not "perfect" in their eyes?

It's really quite hard to put into words honestly. I have always been and am still afraid of being fully happy. I know how motivational speakers always go on about being contented with what you have, being happy with what you achieved and to live life to the fullest and what not, I know. But no, I am afraid. I come across as I've my shit together but in actual fact, maybe I don't? I am afraid of being happy because every single time I am happy, something happens, and it's as if I get dragged back to Earth and to tell myself "Oh right, I dont have the rights to be happy" or "Oh right, I shouldn't be feeling happy".

I am trying. I am trying my absolute best. I have changed from the person last year and I'm proud of myself for that but I am still trying. I feel like I am constantly having to run and hold on to what I love and having to not let go of anything because if I were to do it, it would mean the end of me. My life will crumble, everything will be in shatters. everything will be gone. I just... don't know what more to do.

I feel sorry for myself. I feel sorry for myself that the emotions that I feel are probably 10times more than how others feel, I feel sorry for myself that the things I think about and how far ahead I think is probably 10 times more than how others think about. I feel sorry for myself that up until this point that is nothing that I can do to truly make myself and the people around me truly happy for having me or being together with me.

What should I do? I do not know how much longer I can take before I really just fall into a state of completely giving up on myself. I really do not know. My mind hurts, my heart hurts to the point that for some reason, my soul hurts. I dont know what to do. and I am just staring blankly at this spacing line blinking for the longest time, not knowing what else to type.

If I was ever born again, I would've wished that God didn't make me the kind of person that I am today. I wished that God would take away this part of me. This part where I constantly put others before myself, this part where every single reaction and thing I get in return affects me in a way or another, this part where I would not feel or be bothered by anything. I thought that I am strong, but I ain't. Im far from that.

... people think that this is just a person being sensitive or overthinking, but just because people don't experience things the same way you do, doesn't mean that this isn't a struggle at all. i find it hard to ever put my feelings and emotions into words when it comes to communicating because at the end of the day, i know that humans will only choose to read what they want to read, to believe what they want to hear and to understand only to the extent and limit of where their understanding will bring them.

no one will truly try to understand another's thinking. it's ironic coming from me because I try too hard in trying to understand others that in the midst of it, i lose myself and to people it's as if I've never tried before.

Does everything I do really cause a bad ending in the end? That even though I ALWAYS think about others before myself in everything that I do, does everything really equals to nothing but unhappiness? I feel like as much as I try to blame who's really at fault, at the end of the day, all of the blame falls on me. I end up blaming myself. for every. single. thing.

am i really not enough?

am i really that bad of a person?

am i not trying hard enough?

am i really that unworthy to be loved?

am i really that stupid to not be able to graduate the same time as my other batchmates?

am i really that stupid that i'm not able to pass my tests smoothly?

am i wrong in wanting to always show and express my love?

am i wrong to even be myself.


to the extent I wished I've never lived or be born at all.

edit:// looked back at my 2018 post and realized that I havent become a strong person. I changed into a better version of myself but im feeling probably 10times more of what I felt back then. its funny

editedit: looking back at my April 8 2014 post, i guess the person i saw in my vision back then is myself now.

does love really always win?

Here I am again typing some long ass post at 4:30am in the morning when I should be using this time to study. But hey, it's been awhile since I've posted something here so might as well. It has been a rollercoaster ride for me, in fact, the scariest ride I've ever been on, and people who know me will know that I'm fucking afraid of taking rollercoaster rides (Those that are unnecessarily scary) (Not when I'm younger, idk why how it became to this now).

Previous post might have been about my previous relationship that fortunately, ended last year in the month of Oct-Nov. It was hella of a ride but I would gladly say that nope, I dont regret any bit of it. Because I know that in that relationship, I've given my best at that point of time, with who I was as a person then. I have went through physical and mental torture, so much that it has hurt my mind, soul and heart and all of those broken pieces are still left untouched. People used to call me stupid, for constantly being stuck in such a toxic relationship for such a long time when many people would have already chose to walk away. I couldn't because it's in me, I'm someone who always hold on to the slightest amount of hope even when there was already nothing left for me to hold on to. Arguments after arguments, time and time again I was hurt by mistakes and stupidity, day after day of having to continue it regardless of how hopeless it already was, I was still there, thinking that "hey, maybe someday it will all be better.", "maybe one day all the what ifs will come true", "maybe one day, I will get to see that promises are rlly not meant to be broken". I was wrong, but that doesn't change how I am as a person till today, or even till god knows when.

And yes, my answer is still no, I have never regretted it. From there, I have learnt lessons and been through experiences that I never thought I would. Giving up one whole semester of school just to have to extend my school term now, constantly binge drinking every single fucking day because that might have seem like the only thing for me to do whenever I felt sober, going out and making new friends and have to put up a strong front and a fake smile just so in hopes that people and company can actually fill the void. All these has led me to realise that hey, every action bears a consequence behind it. And yet, I'm still grateful that I got to go through that, because now, I find myself getting back on track, I find myself being able to actually focus on what is important in my life and having self-control over my own life instead of another person having control over it.

Sometimes I will still find myself in the pits, drowning in my own self-pity, getting random panic attacks and breakdowns whenever I'm feeling emotional but I'm learning to tell myself that that's okay. People who claim that they love you, should love you for who you are and what you are be it when you're on mountain highs or valley lows.

People who actually gives a fuck about my life genuinely will know that I'm currently in a relationship and in fact, this feels like a whole new experience to me. That's when I also realize, that every relationship is different and the whole concept of love is just new and oddly unique. Sure, I do have my fears and insecurities from time to time, short tempered moments, petty and unreasonable moments but above all, I'm starting to be more independent because at the end of the day, you only have yourself. Rather than always pinning hopes and expectations on my partner, in fact, I'm starting to pin expectations for myself, such as not wanting to overreact, not wanting to overthink, not wanting to flare up at the smallest details but the funny thing is I still find myself failing and falling. I'm as confused as any normal human being out there, like what should I do? Is this ever enough for the other person? Does the person actually LOVES me for who I am? Is this going to be a long-term and always thing? Will it eventually turn into a habitual companionship? To put it all in a whole, I'm afraid. I can't help but think that what if one day, the whole cycle repeats itself again, I have to pick myself up all over again, I have to go through shit alone again, Jesus Christ I'm really afraid of that. That is the only "what if" that I dont want it to come true. And yet, it doesnt stop me from giving my all.

As much as I want to be strong, at the end of the day, I'm only human. God knows what will happen in the future, but I hope that by then, whatever happens, I will be strong enough for myself because love is in everything, the good and the bad, the joy and the pain (it sounds fucking cliche i know). Till next time, I only want to be a better version of myself, for myself.