Here I am again typing some long ass post at 4:30am in the morning when I should be using this time to study. But hey, it's been awhile since I've posted something here so might as well. It has been a rollercoaster ride for me, in fact, the scariest ride I've ever been on, and people who know me will know that I'm fucking afraid of taking rollercoaster rides (Those that are unnecessarily scary) (Not when I'm younger, idk why how it became to this now).
Previous post might have been about my previous relationship that fortunately, ended last year in the month of Oct-Nov. It was hella of a ride but I would gladly say that nope, I dont regret any bit of it. Because I know that in that relationship, I've given my best at that point of time, with who I was as a person then. I have went through physical and mental torture, so much that it has hurt my mind, soul and heart and all of those broken pieces are still left untouched. People used to call me stupid, for constantly being stuck in such a toxic relationship for such a long time when many people would have already chose to walk away. I couldn't because it's in me, I'm someone who always hold on to the slightest amount of hope even when there was already nothing left for me to hold on to. Arguments after arguments, time and time again I was hurt by mistakes and stupidity, day after day of having to continue it regardless of how hopeless it already was, I was still there, thinking that "hey, maybe someday it will all be better.", "maybe one day all the what ifs will come true", "maybe one day, I will get to see that promises are rlly not meant to be broken". I was wrong, but that doesn't change how I am as a person till today, or even till god knows when.
And yes, my answer is still no, I have never regretted it. From there, I have learnt lessons and been through experiences that I never thought I would. Giving up one whole semester of school just to have to extend my school term now, constantly binge drinking every single fucking day because that might have seem like the only thing for me to do whenever I felt sober, going out and making new friends and have to put up a strong front and a fake smile just so in hopes that people and company can actually fill the void. All these has led me to realise that hey, every action bears a consequence behind it. And yet, I'm still grateful that I got to go through that, because now, I find myself getting back on track, I find myself being able to actually focus on what is important in my life and having self-control over my own life instead of another person having control over it.
Sometimes I will still find myself in the pits, drowning in my own self-pity, getting random panic attacks and breakdowns whenever I'm feeling emotional but I'm learning to tell myself that that's okay. People who claim that they love you, should love you for who you are and what you are be it when you're on mountain highs or valley lows.
People who actually gives a fuck about my life genuinely will know that I'm currently in a relationship and in fact, this feels like a whole new experience to me. That's when I also realize, that every relationship is different and the whole concept of love is just new and oddly unique. Sure, I do have my fears and insecurities from time to time, short tempered moments, petty and unreasonable moments but above all, I'm starting to be more independent because at the end of the day, you only have yourself. Rather than always pinning hopes and expectations on my partner, in fact, I'm starting to pin expectations for myself, such as not wanting to overreact, not wanting to overthink, not wanting to flare up at the smallest details but the funny thing is I still find myself failing and falling. I'm as confused as any normal human being out there, like what should I do? Is this ever enough for the other person? Does the person actually LOVES me for who I am? Is this going to be a long-term and always thing? Will it eventually turn into a habitual companionship? To put it all in a whole, I'm afraid. I can't help but think that what if one day, the whole cycle repeats itself again, I have to pick myself up all over again, I have to go through shit alone again, Jesus Christ I'm really afraid of that. That is the only "what if" that I dont want it to come true. And yet, it doesnt stop me from giving my all.
As much as I want to be strong, at the end of the day, I'm only human. God knows what will happen in the future, but I hope that by then, whatever happens, I will be strong enough for myself because love is in everything, the good and the bad, the joy and the pain (it sounds fucking cliche i know). Till next time, I only want to be a better version of myself, for myself.
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